Which Keanu Reeves character would struggle the most to get insurance?
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Keanu Reeves has been a meme multiple times throughout his career. This includes three decades of saying "woah", a transcendent cameo in "Always Be My Maybe" and photos of him just generally looking sad.
Keanu broke out in 1986 with "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" and cemented his starhood with major action roles like "The Matrix" and "John Wick."
As the internet's obsession with this elusive man grows stronger, it seemed only natural I ask the experts here at Policygenius the burning question we've all had about Keanu Reeves: Which of his characters is the least insurable?
I turned to Jake Roszkowski, a senior case management associate at Policygenius who has seen "Point Break" dozens of times, and Patrick Bell, a senior sales associate who has never seen "Point Break," but knows a lot about buying life insurance. With the advice of these experts, I dove in.
I bet you didn't expect a methodology section. Some of us take these things seriously. Keanu Reeves has 99 acting credits to his name, according to the Internet Movie Database. To narrow it down, I stuck to his most popular films, based on box office gross. I also threw out movies in which Keanu plays himself (sorry "Always Be My Maybe" fans) — I assume he has insurance IRL. I also tossed out movies that took place so far in the past that insurance didn't exist (sorry "47 Ronin" fans).
That got us to the following 11 characters, whom I ranked from most to least insurable.
Kevin Lomax is an attorney who takes a job at a big-time New York City law firm. Also, his boss is Satan.
Aside from that, Lomax is an excellent candidate for insurance.
"As a lawyer, he's going to get the top occupation class for disability insurance on any carrier," Roszkowski said. "That means his rates will be super affordable."
He can also expect to get good life insurance coverage.
Alex Wyler is an architect staying in a lake house who is corresponding with a woman two years into the future. While that's weird, Wyler should be fine insurance-wise.
"White collar occupations like that get good rates," Roszkowski said.
"I don't think there's any issue with time travel," Bell said. Good to know!
Shane Falco is a disgraced college quarterback that lives on a boat and collects scrap metal for a living, until he gets signed to play for a professional football team during a players' strike.
As a professional athlete with a high income, Falco would have to go to a specialty carrier for disability insurance, Roszkowski said. As a football player, he should be able to get life insurance, but may pay a higher rate because of the health risks of the job. (Learn more about how star athletes do insurance.)
Thomas Anderson works a regular old desk job inside the shared simulation of the world known as the Matrix. So he's probably be a good candidate for both life and disability insurance, Bell and Roszkowski said.
On the other hand, Neo escapes from this illusion into a post-apocalyptic society in which he's leading a desperate battle against evil machines.
In this scenario, "We can assume insurance companies don't exist," Roszkowski said.
Jack Traven is a SWAT officer for the Los Angeles Police Department. While police officers don't usually pay extra for life and disability insurance, SWAT officers are an exception. While Traven wouldn't be denied outright, he'll have to pay extra for both life and disability insurance.
Like Shane Falco, Johnny Utah is a former college quarterback. Unlike Falco, Utah has found success in his adult life, as a rookie FBI agent. Utah goes undercover, and as part of assignment, takes part in surfing and skydiving, dangerous hobbies that are frowned upon by many disability insurance carriers, Roszkowski said. Plus, Utah has a pre-existing condition: A college knee injury that still bothers him.
At best, Utah will be limited in any attempt to get disability insurance and any coverage he gets will exclude knee injuries, Roszkowski said. Skydiving will make life insurance more expensive as well.
"The knee injury depends on if he takes pain medication for it," Bell said. If he does, it could lead to higher rates.
Ted is a high school student who uses a time machine to improve his grades in history class. As Bell said before, time travel is no big deal when it comes to insurance. But Ted is a minor, which makes him a bad candidate for insurance because he has no income to protect.
"So the only coverage he's eligible for is whole life," Roszkowski said.
Klaatu is an alien.
"We can assume that he's not a United States citizen, which may cause barriers to coverage," Roszkowski said.
Green card and visa holders can get life insurance, but I don't believe Klaatu applies for a travel document in the movie. Maybe it's in the deleted scenes.
Conor O'Neill is a gambler who is deeply in debt. To repay it, he coaches a kids' baseball team, for some unknown reason. Coaching is fine, but most insurance companies will likely frown on O'Neill's gambling.
"That's probably something they consider pretty risky because if he loses all his money they're not going to get paid," Bell said.
John Wick is a former assassin who gets sucked back into his old life because his dog dies. Over the course of three movies, he gets shot or stabbed many, many times.
"That's a hazardous occupation," Bell said. So hazardous, Wick would get declined outright for life insurance or pay an exorbitant price, bulletproof suit notwithstanding.
John Constantine is a detective who specializes in the occult, which I guess is a job? He's got a lot going against him when it comes to insurance: One, he's attempted suicide. A history of depression isn't a complete road block to life insurance, but severe cases can lead to denial. Two, he has terminal lung cancer. Three, he is a chain smoker.
In general, the healthier you are, the better a candidate you are for life and disability insurance. Without (spoiler alert) divine intervention John Constantine has terrible odds of getting coverage.
"That's a decline," Bell said.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or contact them online.
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