Here’s what you need to do before the Martians invade

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Here’s what you need to do before the Martians invade

UPDATE: This article was written before the NASA press conference revealed that all they had to talk about was some liquid salt water. While I’m sure liquid salt water is a pretty big deal, representing a huge breakthrough after years of scientific inquiry, it does make my article look a little reactionary. Regardless, we’ll keep it published, as it will be relevant someday.

Mars mystery solved? Find out Monday at 11:30am ET at a live briefing on NASA TV: http://t.co/YYpCP6fv3Y Q? #askNASA pic.twitter.com/Bm35D6DZho

-- NASA (@NASA) September 25, 2015

This morning, NASA announced that they were having an emergency press conference to announce something of scientific importance. They needn’t bother: we’ve all seen the signs. Or, at least, the one huge sign in the sky last night: blood moon.

There’s a reason the moon turned red last night turning the lunar eclipse, and it has nothing to do with science. Martians will invade our planet, and turning the moon blood red was their calling card.

And then, the next morning, NASA announces a press conference about Mars. Coincidence? Yeah, right! You can’t pull the wool over my eyes and turn me into another one of those sheeple.

So, to prepare for the upcoming war with the Martians, here are a few basic things you should do:

1. Buy a bunker.

This one is so obvious that it hardly bears mentioning, but yes, you need an underground bunker to protect yourself and your family. You need to get on this ASAP – assuming that NASA is going to announce alien life at 11:30, and the Martians are already building a base on our moon (how else would they turn it red?), it would only take hours for them to enter our atmosphere and destroy our civilization. Basically, a large steel container buried beneath the Earth’s surface is your best bet to surviving the hellscape that will be our planet once the Martians invade.

2. Obtain food and water to last the rest of your life.

You can’t rely on hunting or natural springs to provide for you after the Martians have destroyed human civilization. Who knows what kind of shape they’re going to leave this planet in, or if they’ll settle the surface? Either way, plan on never coming up from the bunker again, which means getting enough food and water (and maybe a greenhouse) to survive for the rest of your life (and your family members' lives, too).

3. Buy life insurance.

Let’s assume we win – I mean, we won in Independence Day, so it’s not crazy to think that our crazy nuclear weapons and surface-to-air missiles and maybe even a computer virus or two could wipe out the Martian invaders. Now, let’s say you or your spouse die in the war. Who will take care of your kids? No one, that’s who. It’s a dog eat dog post-apocalyptic world. However, assuming that the life insurance companies survived, you could potentially leave a hefty sum of cash for your kids to barter with in the new economy.

4. Buy a surface-to-air missile.

Self-explanatory.

5. Bring a few books to the bunker.

You could be down there for a long, long time. May I humbly suggest The Martian?