3 ways to achieve financial security while on the toilet

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3 ways to achieve financial security while on the toilet

Everyone uses their phone on the toilet, okay? We all know this, we’re just too polite to mention anything. Not today. Today, we will break down society’s rules and talk about doing business while you’re doing your business. (Plenty more jokes where that came from, folks!)

There are so many financial apps for your phone that you can honestly set yourself up for financial security while in the loo. As any financial expert will tell you, the most important things you can do to ensure financial security are saving, investing, and insuring your assets. And if you’re not doing any of those things? Then urine trouble.

1. Save

Yes, you can save money on the toilet, and not just from refusing to flush.

One of our favorite apps to help you save is called Digit. Digit isn’t actually an app. Instead, Digit lives in your text messages and automatically saves money by analyzing your spending. Hook it up to your bank account and it will start figuring out when it can save some money. Whenever Digit decides to put some money aside, it will text you to let you know. Want to save more money? Every time you visit a public restroom, text Digit and tell it to put aside $5.

Want a real app, with code that runs on your phone and everything? Check out Qapital. Qapital helps you save money by automatically taking it out of your bank account according to rules that you set up. Potentially, you could get Qapital to put money in the bank every time you go to the bathroom, but I think it would require IFTTT and some geo-fencing. (If you understood that last sentence, Qapital is definitely for you.)

Oh, yeah, and you’ll probably want a way to look at all of your bank accounts at once, right? Mint is a super popular budgeting website that has apps for every single device you can imagine (even the Apple Watch, in case you want to pay your bills at the urinal). Mint will connect to your bank accounts, credit cards, and other assets and automatically update so you’re always aware of your current financial situation.

2. Invest

Investing is important. Whether it’s in a boring old Vanguard fund or directly in the stock market, investing is an important part of retirement planning, college planning, and other long-term financial goals.

Luckily, there are a ton of apps that make it easy to invest while sitting on the can.

Acorns is a mobile-first investing service that works by monitoring your bank-account, similar to Digit. Acorns will automatically round-up all of your purchases and invest the difference. You might not think you can invest much by putting $0.42 aside at a time, but you’d be surprised. Just be careful not to let fees eat away at your profits.

Betterment, another robo-investment service, also has a mobile app. With Betterment, you can set up a variety of goals to invest towards — a new house, your retirement, an emergency fund. From the app, you can add money to any of your goals. Sitting in your dilapidated master bathroom? Put some money aside for a remodeling job.

3. Insure

Hey, have you heard of PolicyGenius? Maybe in your New York Times or Wall Street Journal apps? Besides being the blog you’re reading this article on, PolicyGenius is the best online insurance quote engine on the market.

(Obviously we weren’t going to go through this article without talking about how awesome we are.)

You can get quotes for life insurance, long-term disability, renters insurance, and pet insurance while on the toilet. You could, technically, do this with other insurance agents, but you’d be talking on the phone and that could get awkward ("What was that sound? Are you… on the toilet?").

Insurance is an important part of any long-term financial plan. Why? Basically, insurance is your Plan B. Let’s look at a few examples:

Plan A: save enough money for your kids to go to college.

Plan B: you die young, but your life insurance will help your kids pay for college after you’re gone.

Plan A: work every day until retirement, which you have funded through your personal investments.

Plan B: suffer a long-lasting disability which limits your ability to work, but have long-term disability insurance to provide an income replacement.

While none of these situations is fun to think about out in the real world, you’re not in the real world: you’re on the toilet. On the toilet, you’re allowed to be contemplative, to think about the way the world works.

And sometimes, the world doesn’t work the way you want, as evidenced by the fact that sometimes there’s no toilet paper in public stalls.

In conclusion: apps are awesome, financial security is great, and everybody loves using their phone on the toilet. So why not combine all three and set your life in order while enjoying your morning constitutional.